By Greg Fuller September 2, 2017
“So, by Sunday we should see all of the area not over a hundred and ten.” – Bay area weatherman Spencer Christian on the Channel 7 local news, 8/31/2017 **
Are you tired of bleeding heart Liberals whining about glaciers in some place you’ve never heard of? Or polar bears running out of ice for their cocktails? Sick of complaints by some namby-pamby Californian that his multi-million dollar front yard is now part of the ocean and there’s no place to park his Tesla? Growing tedious with wimpy-lunged, coughing ‘seniors’ from Medicaid funded nursing homes that won’t man-up and live with a little smoke?
Well friends and neighbors, I have just the thing for you! It’s our just launched Climate Change Denier Luxury Experience Tour, where for the price of only a few shares of Exxon-Mobil stock you will be immersed in the Real Nature – not the stuff from those Fake News reports, and see first hand just what’s going on in this paradise we call Mother $%#&en Earth!
Yes friends – sign up now for our Climate Change Denier Luxury Experience Tour, which, for the price of only a few Carbon Exchange Credits, includes:
Meet and Greet in the parking lot of the Bakersfield Wal Mart: After meeting your hosts and fellow deniers, we’ll all load into V8 Cadillac Escalades with the windows up and no air conditioning to simulate the so-called ‘Greenhouse Effect’. Fake News! You’ll see how nice and toasty it is in there on the simulated leather. And – we will be serving room temperature (just like faux melted glaciers) tap water imported daily from Love Canal at great expense.
Lay of the Land: Windowside Rolling Tour of Oil Wells Across the Desert: We start the tour with a bit of historical background. After leaving Bakersfield, we’ll head West across the desert towards Santa Barbara. Look out your hermetically-sealed windows as we speed along the Interstate! You’ll see miles and miles of oil wells, pumping their little arms away to bring you that liquid gold we all crave. Some people are even lucky enough to have them in their front yard! Wait, is that Jed Clampett standing out there by the cement pond with Ellie May? And just think, if some of those sign-carrying, slogan-shouting Sierra Club folks had been around when these wells were drilled, well, there would be nothing to see but open desert and green fields all over this great nation. And you’d be missing the beautiful industrial view you see today. I can almost see James Dean and Rock Hudson (you know those rumors about his being, you know, were fake news!) standing off in the distance in Giant. Now there was a true American movie! Have another sip of heavy metals in your complimentary beverage as you scan the countryside for natural gas flares.
Breathtaking Ocean (if not already, it certainly will be): Next, we roll into Santa Barbara and stop for a break along the seaside to take in the breathtaking view of the production oil rigs populating the Santa Barbara Channel. And we’re in luck!. With that high pressure system parked along the Western US, there’s none of that pesky ‘marine layer’ to cool things down, making you buy one of them foreign-made, unpatriotic sweat shirts to keep warm. The rigs are as clear as day for as far as you can see – at least except for that lovely brown tinge on the horizon. But hey, that enhances the view, don’t it? And how else would we be able to keep these Escalades moving for you? Solar power? I don’t think so.
Majestic Naturally Lit Forests: Take a few more deep breaths (well, not that deep) of the coastal air before we ‘saddle up’ our horsepower again. Next stop: the western forests, where, as luck would have it, we are in peak wildfire season! Mother Nature – the real one, not the one you keep seeing on those so-called ‘Network News’ shows (Fox Forever, Booh Yah!) has provided us with the ideal combination of timber weakening prolonged drought followed by the just ended torrential rainy season here in the West. All adding up to make one big bonfire lit up for your personal touring pleasure. We’ll head towards Mariposa, near Yosemite National Park and through Calaveras County (remember Mark Twain’s famous frog? Well, that’s the place), where one of the year’s largest wildfires is just winding down. Why, you can still see the haze and savor the wood smoke in the air! We’ll throw a couple of dogs and some marshmallows on the national park land for each guest for dinner. Enjoy!
Back in our Caddies. Marvel at the burned out trunks as we continue along – more charcoal for the BBQ! And now the real treat – we are going to take you right up to the fire line of one of the larger blazes in progress, to see CalFire at work. There’s a good use for your tax dollars, instead of supporting some immigrant ‘dreamers’. It just can’t get any more real than that. Reach over and pick up your commemorative face mask as the smoke gets thicker. Be amazed as the density of the floating particulates grows. Look – the fire is crowning just to the north! What a special experience! What timing! What luck!
Picturesque Washouts, Legendary Burn Scars, and More: Getting a bit toasty? Well, that’s just the genuine experience we have tailored for your tour. Soooo authentic. You can take it, right? Pull up your bootstraps and evolve or die, that’s our motto. As you know, it was one hell of a winter here in the West. But we were mighty thirsty after all of that drought and groundwater depletion. Who the hell had heard of an aquifer before except in seventh grade science class? But the biblical downpours not only filled back up our drinking cups, they also provided some pretty spectacular new land features to show to you right here on our tour. Where else would you find epic mudslides, sinkholes and washed out canyons – all in one state? We head back over to the coast to Big Sur, where the redwood forests meet the rocky coast – just beautiful. And never mind those stories of 60s hippie types and that guy that wrote those disgusting dirty books. They’re mostly gone now.
What you will see is a massive re-allocation of real, honest to goodness Mother Earth right there stretching into the ocean. We have a new peninsula here, just for your personal use (please hold onto your fellow tour guests, in case your footing starts to give ‘way). Just north of the el grande mudslide is the washout of Pfeiffer Canyon that took out the bridge. The new pilings are just starting to rise. Magnificent! Thank you CalTrans. And maybe, just maybe this little inconvenience will help to drive out the rest of those lefty-leaners living between the two, who now can only get their Greek yogurt and vegan meals by taking a big hike on foot. That’ll teach ‘em. All aboard! Enjoy more burn scars, and future charcoal, as we head back inland — because the coastal road will likely be closed for the next year and a half.
I Left My Heat in San Francisco: No More! You know the old saying, ‘You should have been here yesterday?’. Well, you shoulda’. It was a corker, especially for us true deniers. No more of ‘The coldest Winter I ever spent was Summer in San Francisco.’ No siree. One hundred and six dee-grees, an all time record there in the City By (and about to be covered more by) The Bay. But, once again, we have spared no expense or effort to provide a genuine, real news experience. Toss those Pakistani-made cover ups and put aside your Carhartts – we’ve still got some tourist-toastin’ times to go. Our visit to Califonee – A’s Emerald City will warm up any carbon-based heart.
And Finally, the Big Splash: Hot ‘enuf for ya? Well, it’s time for a little coolin’ off dip. Not in the Pacific Ocean, mind you. Even though it has come up a few degrees since the millennium, it’s still pretty chilly. So to top off the genuine, down to earth, #$%!en Mother Nature experience, we’ll be exiting the Escalades and boarding a private jet – no expense spared – to head down to the Gulf. Don’t mind the limited time ‘Closed Refinery and Burning Chemical Plant’ fuel surcharge. It’s less than your last investment in that Oklahoma fracking operation – or the legal fees –and certainly worth it at twice the price.
Timing is everything, as they say. Whoever they happen to be (not the classic media outlets, that’s for sure!). We are privileged to end our tour with another full immersion experience – a swim in the not-yet-fully-receded flood waters of – you guessed it – hurricane Harvey – right in the middle of downtown Houston. That’ll cool you down, eh? Enjoy the E-coli floating in what was formerly Interstate 10. See a neighbor’s Subaru float by. Watch the mold grow – before your very eyes – in the walls of abandoned flooded homes. Whoa! Look out for that alligator in the living room! He’s a big feller, ain’t he? Now there’s something you don’t see every day. Don’t worry if you miss Harvey – we’ve got more on the way for future tours. Why — Irma is bearing down on the East Coast at this very moment as I write this.
Adios and Good Luck! Well, that ends our tour. We were so happy to have had the opportunity to provide this unique experience to genuine deniers. Tell you’re friends, neighbors and especially Glen Beck about us. While you are savoring the last moments and smoky afterglow of our tour, whip out your cell phone if ya haven’t drowned it and place a call to one of the wonderful volunteers to come rescue you by inflatable or air boat. We’d love to help out ourselves, but as you know there is nothing like self-sufficiency in these tumultuous times. And we’re going to be late for our tee time in Bridgewater.
Visit us again during the next disaster season! We aim to please and no doubt there will be new truly amazing things to see and do as the waters rise and the elements collide. So Dorothy, just repeat after me: ‘There’s no place like Earth, there’s no place like Earth …”
** paraphrased, from memory
© 2017 by Greg Fuller